Love Letter takeover: The real reason I ended up in a mountain of candy wrappers

Hello,

It’s Brittany from Team Dirty! Molly is currently enjoying a well-deserved vacation in Japan. I kindly asked her to put me in her suitcase, but apparently, I wouldn’t fit next to her gluten-free oats and Birkenstocks, so the next best thing she offered me was to write this week’s Love Letter!

So here I am, all up in your inbox and ready to take you back to my childhood. Picture this:

???? It’s the '90s, and I’m a slightly pudgy eight-year-old girl with short, brown, permed hair.
???? I walk into 7-11, a convenience store, with my birth dad. It’s the highlight of my day!
???? I get the biggest Slurpee cup I can find (he always lets me get the biggest cup when I visit!).
???? I put the dome lid on so I could get as much Slurpee as possible.
???? I light up as I watch the colorful icy concoction fill my cup in a satisfying swirl.
???? I stick a straw in so I can drink it while it’s filling (tell me I’m not the only one who did this…).
???? I top off my Slurpee and ask if I can have anything else. Of course I can! I grab a pack of Mambas and a Sprite for later.
I would chug that Slurpee like there was no tomorrow and inhale whatever else I got within a few hours.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

I was running errands after an awesome trip with my kids and hubs and was finally alone, which was a relief after six days crammed in a truck. (BTW did you see the bison riding Dirty with us on Instagram?)

I went into a convenience store for a caffeinated beverage and saw a variety of Mambas with mouthwatering flavors—Raspberry Popcorn, Strawberry Cotton Candy, Candy Apple, and Blueberry Slushie. My inner child freaked out in excitement, and I bought four packs.

???? I ate one pack on the way home.
???? I split one pack between my three kids.
???? I gave another to my husband.
???? I stashed the last one for my friend who loves Mambas.

The next day, I opened the pack I’d stashed for my friend, handed a few out to my kids, and started eating more after they went to bed. The next thing I knew, the Mambas were GONE. I sat there next to a mountain of Mamba wrappers, and a wave of shame hit me hard, and I thought:

WHY?

Why do I do this?

Why do I eat pretty healthy, intermittent fast, stay somewhat active, and then devour an entire pack of Mambas that I was saving for my friend?

Why do I keep drinking caffeine when I know I feel so much better without it, especially after a three-day juice fast?

Then I recalled those childhood memories at 7-11. They weren’t just about getting treats. It was one of the only ways I was shown love as a child—getting unhealthy food and overindulging until my senses exploded.

Child Brittany was running the show as I devoured those Mambas.

Adult Brittany knows a real strawberry is more mouthgasmic than a Mamba that feels like it’s about to rip my teeth out.

Adult Brittany would way rather drink a Watermelon Slushie and feel good about sharing it with her kids.

Connecting my behavior to what was ingrained within me at a young age helps me give myself grace. But a part of me was still feeling guilty, and I was still saying things to myself like, “I should know better, I should be done with this behavior, I should be further ahead.”

Then I remembered one of my favorite quotes from Molly,

“You’re not starting at the bottom.
There is no top to get to.
You’re meeting yourself where you’re at today.”

Isn’t that the truth?

I realized I was just going to have to hike up Mount Mamba Wrappers, throw them in the trash, process my emotions, accept where I’m at, and make my next choice healthier.

Can you meet yourself where you’re at today—even if you’re at the convenience store buying candy? Changing the cycle of how you eat and how you reward yourself is challenging, but it is so worth it.

Where are you at? Talk to me in the Facebook group using the hashtag #Today.

Brittany